Change of Heart

Yesterday I was out on errands, driving around and listening to my favorite radio station KPFK and the Aware Show was playing, a holistically focused show.  They talked about the usual thing that probably everyone has heard, how to remove blocks in your life that prevent success, financial well-being, relationships, etc.  I don't know if everyone has heard of it, but it's like positive thinking or the law of attraction as in the book The Secret.  The concept can seem very removed from reality because it might seem to be a denial of facts.  But it's not really. It's more of a change in viewpoint.  Anyway, the host talked with the guest about her difficulties over losing business due to Covid 19. This is a total reality that she had been repeating in her mind, and she felt that this negative message in her mind was not serving her in finding a resolution to her problems.  I have to admit I didn't listen to the entire show, but the idea stayed with me all day.  There was a time period of my life from 2009 - 2012 which was very difficult for me. I suffered a lot of loss and illness, and change.  I don't like to think of it. I don't like it when people mention we did this or that in a certain year because it brings it up for me.  This time period for me is a reality, but it's also one that I repeat negatively in my mind.  I have tried for so long to figure out ways to let go of this, and I think I've finally found a new message for myself.  Yes, I've found a change of heart.  Instead of constantly thinking that was a difficult time for me, I'm going to remind myself it was a period where I learned new directions and lessons about friendship. Really, even though I was not young at the time, I became much more mature and developed emotional intelligence.  There were so many gifts, I learned to be more selective about who I had relationships with, I learned that I wanted to become more educated, I learned that I wanted to return to my earlier ambitions of being a professional artist.  I found my voice, so to speak.  It's ironic that, in reality, I lost my voice during this time because of surgery on my throat, but it's grown back.  It's different, but it's better.  I hope I can remember this!  

Critique-small thoughts on a Sunday morning

I was just thinking about critique.  As artist students, we become used to it, right?  We bring our work to classes, and everyone looks at it; most people try to think of nice things to say because no one wants to be the meany.  But honestly, I usually cringe at critiques. They set off all my anxieties.  What are people going to say?  Am I any good?  Was all my work for nothing?  Do the LIKE ME??? So childish.

Now that I'm in grad school, critique has hit a new level that I've never experienced before.  Every class includes at least 3 crits, and then there is the big committee review where the entire faculty, including people who have never seen you before, talk about your work!  Plus, because we've been online since Shelter In Place, we have to go to the extra lengths of photographing (I'm no photographer, just a painter!) our artworks and considering the presentation of art not only as an image but as an actual object.  

It just occurred to me this morning, though, what a true luxury it is to have our work critiqued and the immaturity of my previous viewpoint.  What other time in your professional life do you have the opportunity to have several professionals look at your work and tell you what they see in your work.  Whether they like it or not is immaterial, they are actually looking at your work, in a serious way, and this is a significant matter.   This is actually an honor.  And you know what?  Most of the faculty at your school will probably treat your work with the respect it deserves; sometimes, you might run across the outlier who just wants to criticize but remember that is their problem, not yours. Try to remember that.  I grew up as a dancer, I was trained to accept corrections and say thank you to my teachers. So now, as an emerging professional artist, I have to apply that lesson from dance.  

Ok, go on with whatever you were doing now! I may go paint another butterfly.