Change of Heart

Yesterday I was out on errands, driving around and listening to my favorite radio station KPFK and the Aware Show was playing, a holistically focused show.  They talked about the usual thing that probably everyone has heard, how to remove blocks in your life that prevent success, financial well-being, relationships, etc.  I don't know if everyone has heard of it, but it's like positive thinking or the law of attraction as in the book The Secret.  The concept can seem very removed from reality because it might seem to be a denial of facts.  But it's not really. It's more of a change in viewpoint.  Anyway, the host talked with the guest about her difficulties over losing business due to Covid 19. This is a total reality that she had been repeating in her mind, and she felt that this negative message in her mind was not serving her in finding a resolution to her problems.  I have to admit I didn't listen to the entire show, but the idea stayed with me all day.  There was a time period of my life from 2009 - 2012 which was very difficult for me. I suffered a lot of loss and illness, and change.  I don't like to think of it. I don't like it when people mention we did this or that in a certain year because it brings it up for me.  This time period for me is a reality, but it's also one that I repeat negatively in my mind.  I have tried for so long to figure out ways to let go of this, and I think I've finally found a new message for myself.  Yes, I've found a change of heart.  Instead of constantly thinking that was a difficult time for me, I'm going to remind myself it was a period where I learned new directions and lessons about friendship. Really, even though I was not young at the time, I became much more mature and developed emotional intelligence.  There were so many gifts, I learned to be more selective about who I had relationships with, I learned that I wanted to become more educated, I learned that I wanted to return to my earlier ambitions of being a professional artist.  I found my voice, so to speak.  It's ironic that, in reality, I lost my voice during this time because of surgery on my throat, but it's grown back.  It's different, but it's better.  I hope I can remember this!  

Critique-small thoughts on a Sunday morning

I was just thinking about critique.  As artist students, we become used to it, right?  We bring our work to classes, and everyone looks at it; most people try to think of nice things to say because no one wants to be the meany.  But honestly, I usually cringe at critiques. They set off all my anxieties.  What are people going to say?  Am I any good?  Was all my work for nothing?  Do the LIKE ME??? So childish.

Now that I'm in grad school, critique has hit a new level that I've never experienced before.  Every class includes at least 3 crits, and then there is the big committee review where the entire faculty, including people who have never seen you before, talk about your work!  Plus, because we've been online since Shelter In Place, we have to go to the extra lengths of photographing (I'm no photographer, just a painter!) our artworks and considering the presentation of art not only as an image but as an actual object.  

It just occurred to me this morning, though, what a true luxury it is to have our work critiqued and the immaturity of my previous viewpoint.  What other time in your professional life do you have the opportunity to have several professionals look at your work and tell you what they see in your work.  Whether they like it or not is immaterial, they are actually looking at your work, in a serious way, and this is a significant matter.   This is actually an honor.  And you know what?  Most of the faculty at your school will probably treat your work with the respect it deserves; sometimes, you might run across the outlier who just wants to criticize but remember that is their problem, not yours. Try to remember that.  I grew up as a dancer, I was trained to accept corrections and say thank you to my teachers. So now, as an emerging professional artist, I have to apply that lesson from dance.  

Ok, go on with whatever you were doing now! I may go paint another butterfly.

                                              

Spring and Summer 2020 Watercolors

Small Watercolors around the house & neighborhood

Stella

People are like Jellyfish

The story of the last 19 hours

I misplaced my other earring.  That may not be a big deal, not because of the value of a thing, or stones, or metal but because of what it represents in my life.  I often loose earrings, nice ones, that my husband gave me.  Sometimes I don't know why he gives me jewelry since I'm so good at loosing it.  But to me the issue that stands out is that I loose things, it's a fault of mine.  I know to put a plastic stopper on the back, yet I went out in my favorite earrings without doing that.  

Not a very interesting story...yet.  The problem isn't my faults it's my fixation with things I do wrong, or embarrassing or stupid and how long I will hold onto beating myself up over these things.  Surely I've done at least as many good, kind, helpful things in my life that I never remember.  Sometimes I lay in bed and think of what an idiot I was in grade school, instead of thinking of the nice things I did.  Why do I spend so much energy fixating on the bad things?  Why do I constantly beat myself up?  Why do I constantly beat my dear husband up (with my thoughts not physically)?  

I think this has gotten worse since Coronavirus.  I know it is very important that we stay home and don't spread or catch this disease and I'm not faulting that order, but staying isolated with my own thoughts is getting difficult.  So what can I do about it?  Change.  I can change my focus and remember to fixate on the good things.  I just heard my husband's voice, he's so happy, he's playing with our dog.  That is a thing to fixate on.  

So I guess the story of the last 19 hours is the emotional reminder it has given me.  The reminder to let go.  I hope I find my earring, but if I don't, the price of the loss is worth the lesson to change my focus. 

Legacy: Seven Decades of Ventura College Art @Ventura County Museum

I have a dyptych on display at the Ventura County Museum.  Unfortunately, you still can't go see it in person.  The show opening happened a few days before the lockdown order here in California, and with the recent numbers of covid 19 cases rising in California I doubt you will be abe to go and see it anytime soon.  I am told that the exhibit will stay up throughout the summer and you can see it virtually.  Here is the link:

 https://venturamuseum.org/virtual-exhibits/legacy-seven-decades-of-ventura-college-art/  

Making Daily- June 24, 2020

My work is pretty intensive, I tend to make fairly big paintings and I put a lot of details and symbolism in them.  And I make them up, they aren't just a person sitting there, don't get me wrong there are many marvelous paintings of people sitting there that I adore, but I don't usually do that type of painting.   Anyway this kind of work takes a long time.  And I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's pretty exhausting.  I think for quite a while on each piece, I take notes, gather images, take reference photos, sketch ideas and think some more.  Then I assemble the pieces into a priliminary sketch or digital painting before I start.  This slow process can make it seem to the outside world like I'm not working, because I'm not posting my progress daily.  

I enjoy product as much as I do process though so I make lots of smaller things daily. This feels healthy to me, it gets me out of my head and into doing.  You may know that I'm an avid fiber artist as well as a painter, so usually I spin yarn and knit daily.  I'm working on a sweater right now, it's not perfect, but I like it.  I forgot to photograph it but I will tomorrow.  One other thing I do is I make a lot of my own clothes.  I really enjoy that and have done it since I was a kid.  I just cut out some new sweat pants for myself, you probably don't need to see those!  Just grey sweatpants.  I'm also waiting  for some interfacing I ordered from the fabric store so that I can sew a dress for my daughter Jillian which is all cut out and ready to go.  

Today this is what I did.  I'm making small paintings of animal symbols.  Hopefully eventually I will have an entire wall of these symbols.  I did the rabbits a while ago, today I worked on crows, they are not done...tomorrow.  They actually don't even look good yet!  So hopefully you will be surprised by how nice they look when I'm done.

I've had some people mention that they get stuck and don't know what to paint sometimes.  I think it's good to just paint through those kinds of times, we all go through that.  Especially lately we're all under a lot of stress with the sad and horrible political issues, and the pandemic going on.  I think it's a good idea to just paint something, look on google and make a pretty picture or string some beads into a necklace.  It helps to decompress. 

 I also ordered these tiny looms from Loome Studio!  Tiny Looms They were inexpensive and cute, I thought it would be fun to make little weavings at night while I watch tv.

Black Lives Matter and an update

There has been so much going on over the last few weeks it's hard to decide where to jump into posting again.  I've wanted to say things because it's upsetting to see how the police treat black people in this country.  It's emotionally triggering to see and to be reminded of what it feels like to be the victim of racism.  BUT it's important to look, it's important to look with your heart and take in the pain that black people have endured and are still enduring.  It's hard to make art about anything else right now.  It's hard to talk about anything else right now.  It doesn't seem respectful to ignore it, so I won't.  Do something people, go to a protest, call your elected officials, post about racism, read a book, give some money to a group doing the work; it doesn't matter what you do to help just do it.  And change your mind.  Take responsibility for racism that exists within your own life, in your speech, racist abuse (formerly known as microagression).  I am doing this, one thing I've done is to start an anti racist book club on Facebook with some friends.  I'm proud to say we have 157 members! 

Also, something that I think should have been clear to me is becoming more obvious, let's decolonize our lives, let's normalize people of color by following them and the cool things they do on social media, buy their stuff, read fiction books and cookbooks and watch movies with people of color.  I've actually been gravitating towards tv, movies, businesses, owned by POC for a long time, but that is because I am one.  But are you white my reader?  Maybe you could do the same and normalize POC.  Remember we've been taught a perspective that the white version of everything is normal and everyone else is an "other."  Become concious of this, become "woke" as they say.  Just my suggestion...let's face it if you are a racist you won't like my blog or my art.  

                                    

So I do have some awesome personal news.  I was accepted into the MFA program at California State University Northridge.  This is a dream come true for me!  I get the opportunity to study art intensively with really amazing teachers and I am so incredibly grateful.  My plan is to take the program a bit slowly, in three years instead of two because I want to do really good work, and enjoy this opportunity.  

I also want to encourage any older people (like myself), to do the things you've wanted to all your life.  It's ok to be a student in your 50's 60's and beyond.  I spent my life being a mom, I took care of my children, and then helped raise my granddaughter before I could reenter school seriously.  

I hope you are well dear readers.  Thanks for looking at my blog, Elizabeth

List of books made by the book group:
How to be an Anti-Racist - Ibram X. Kendi
White Fragility - Robin D'Angelo
Me and White Supremacy - Layla F. Saad
The New Jim Crow - Michelle Alexander
Stamped from the Beginning - Ibram X. Kendi
Why I am No Longer Talking to White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge
So You Wanna Talk about Race - Ijeoma Oluo
Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And other conversations about Race - Beverly Daniel Tatum
A People's History of the United States- Howard Zinn
The End of Policing - Vitale
The Hate You Give - Angie Thomas
Eloquent Rage: A Black Feminist Discovers Her Superpower - Brittney Cooper
I'm Still Here:  Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness - Austine Channing Brown
Set the Night on Fire: LA in the Sixties
Just Mercy - Bryan Stevenson
Between the World and Me - Ta-Hehisi Coates
Lies My Teacher Told me - James W Loewen
The Color Purple - Alice Walker
Stolen Lives Killed by Law Enformcement
Coming of Age in Mississippi - Anne Moody
The Fire This Time - Jesmyn Ward